Sammy wants me to rite in this buk.
He tellls me to get up and rite somthin evry dam day so I wont ferget but its hard and I dont want to. My hands and my hed dont werk so gud. I want to go outsed but the skys not blew so I hafta sit at the tabel and rite.
Sam not Sammy dont want to call him Sammy Sammy is a chuby for yeer old dam it. He gets mad if I call him Sammy so I try reel hard to remembir its Sam but my head herts a lott now. If I say Sammy too much hell leave. He'll go back to scool. Sams smart. Im dum.
I remembir when I woke up here. Sammy foud me Sammy helld me in his arms and calld me Deen over and over.
Wate thats not rite.
DEAN. Sam showd me how to make the lettirs.
Sam talks to me and I dont remembir the stuff he says I did so I nodd and pretnd I remembir. Sammy tells me that pakolips is over and me and Mikel killd Lesefer and savd pepul but I don't remembir any of that.
Sammy and notsam are waching me. They get mad at me if I don't rite.
Don't wanna rite anymor my hands fel funny.
Im bettir now. Woke up yellen during the nite.
I think my body hates me now because I hate it right back.
Hert all over couldn't breethe tried not to yell but I think I did anyway I coud feel Sams hands on my sholder as he helpd me up and put me over his shoudr. Cant remembir what that room is called but its got two kinds of water in it. Sam takes me in there when Im derty and helps me get cleen.
Sam put me down and turnd the water on. Warm water and it felt gud and I was still making sounds cause my body hert but Sam helpd me, Sam helld me so the water ran over me but he was gettin wet too. Sam said its okay Dean its all right over and over again. That made me mad. I shoud take care a him not the other way around.
I remembir thinking that Sam shud shut up. Its not ok its not all rite. Sometimes I get so mad I cant hardly breethe.
Don't remembir how I got back into bed. Must have because Im here and Im dry and the sky outsed is blew.
If I keep riting in the buk maybe Sam will let me go outsed.
Bad dreams. Dont want to think about them but Sam says I got to. Thats why he wants me to rote no rite them down. Its hard. Werds slip in and out of my hed too fast.
I dont like notsam. He wont leave and hes not Sam so I call him notsam.
I eat when Sam feeds me. Just Sammy.
Did it again its Sammy no Sam stupid Dean Sam told me notsam's name once and the werd slipd rite thru my head.
Its a blew day today. Gud day because Sam put me in the weelchair. I like that bettir. Sam has to carry me sometimes and I dont like that.
I like the backyard. Its green and I see birds out there. No pepul. I saw a littel rabbet once. I think I skared him but he came back the next day. He hid in the bushs and stared at me and I thew him some bred crumbs from my sandmich and he came out and ate. I sat there reel quiet and wached him for a long time until Sam came out and pushd me back insed.
Havnt seen him lately.
The rabbet I meen, not Sam. I hope a witch didnt get him.
Dam witches. Dont know why I thought that.
The hair on the back of my neek feels funny. Momma told me angles were waching over me. I dont think she new what that meent.
I close my eyes and when I open them notsam is sitting on the bench next to my weel chair and I dont want him that close.
notsam luked at me and said hello Dean do you remembir me and I just luked at him rite back. I can see his wings in back of him don't know how Im abel to see that but I do. Theyre black and luking at them makes my hed hert and Sam doesnt see he never sees. My right shouder herts somtimes I can feel notsam touching me gunna take me back down there to the bad place and I cant go back there I cant.
I remembir my dreams.
blud on my hands…pepul screaming…wite lite… my shouder herts…perdition…
I hear myself say to notsam that I don't like him.
notsam blinked. I talkd slow. The words tryd to slip out of my hed but I helld onto them. I tell him that he can do what he wants to me but that he bettir leave Sammy alone.
notsam luked at me for a littel while and then I coudnt see him anymor. Im not smart but he cant fool me I get a bad feling in my skin even when hes not aroud.
Im the one who pulled you from perdition. You shoud respect me Dean I can put you right back there…
I rite out the werds he tol me in my dream and it makes my eyes hert when I luk at them. I don't want to leave. Don't want Sammy to leave me. Everyone does. Mom. Dad.
Mabye I made Sam mad when I said yes to Mikel. Mabye its because Im dum and slow and hes tired of me Sams tired of me because I cant do nothing for myself. I look up at the blew sky and I wondr how I was befor. I could run and jump and do stuff before but now I cant and mabye thats why I think Sam wants to leave me.
Dont want to rite this down but Sammy wants me to so I will. Mabye hell read it after Im gone.
Sometimes Sam lets me sit in that big chair by the window so I can look outsed and watch the pepul. I don't know any of the pepul I see out there and its not home. I liekd home. We had a big tree in the front yard and Daddy used to play ball with me in the backyard. I got happy when Momma told me I was going to have a baby brother. Momma told me I was gonna be the best big brother ever. Daddy told me to take care of Sam for always.
Its fukked up. I messed up. My face gets wet somtims.
I dont know why. I start shaken and Sams right there, hollding me, and it feels gud and it makes me feel bad insed too. I shoud be taking care of Sam not the other way around. Dont feel happy anymore. Dont think Momma or Daddy would liek me anymor too.
Dads ded. Momma is too. I wish I didnt remembir that.
I dont say much not even to Sam.
Not gunna rite anymore. Dont want too.
Outsed better than insed.
Im warm now and I don't hert anymore. No weel chair I can sit up by myself so Sam lets me sit on the stone seet. My hands feel okay so I want to do somthin diferint in the buk.
Sam came out later and sat down next to me. Whatcha drawing there, kiddo Sam says and he sounds sad not mad. I point to each one of the stik pepul on the pages. Thats mom and thats dad and thats you and theres me.
Sam laffs. I dont want him to laff at me. I know Im stoopid and hes smart and I do all the rong stuff and Im not liek I used to be and I call him Sammy not Sam and he luks at me and stops. Dean whats the matter? and I cant help it the werds just come out too quik cant stop em can't Are you gonna leave me if I stay dum? You gonna go back to scool? You gonna let him take me back to the bad place? and Sam luks liek I hit him.
Im shaken all over. Cant hold the pencel in my hand anymor. My face is wet and I dont know why. Its over hes gonna tell me yes and then notsam will come and take me bak to perdition and itll be all over.
Sam shakes his hed over and over. No oh hell no and I cant look at him and I just sit there. Dean no look at me now you hear me? Look at me Sam says and I cant and when he puts his arm around me I try to jerk back. Im stoopid and dum and hes better off witout me and I don't want him to touch me.
Dude lissen to me don't worry ok? The scool is gone. It's gone and Im here Ill always be here. Youre not going anywere you hear me Dean? Youre not. Me and Casteel are always going to be here.
I don't know who Casteel is but I dont care. Sam hugs me and it feels gud. We sit liek that out in the sunlite for a long time and just befour he goes back in Sam picks up my pencel and hands it bak to me.
I rote evrything down after Sam went back insed. I want to remembir this.
Son of a bitch.
Feels like somebody hit the reset button. I need to write down everything I remember, and I mean every damn thing, in case I go back to the way I was before.
I don't trust any of this. I don't know how long this is going to last.
Sun was up next morning when I woke up. It was early. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, I am not and never have been a morning person. When I'm on a hunt that's the only time I ever want to see the sun rise. Lets me know I made it another day.
My head was fuzzy like somebody'd stuffed it full of cotton. My muscles were all stiff and funny, like I hadn't used them in a long time. Sam's bed was empty, which doesn't surprise me because the kid always has been a damn morning freak. I sat up, threw the blankets off me, then I checked to see if I had all my fingers and toes and body parts. Old habit of mine.
My lower back and sides hurt like a sonofabitch. Nature was calling and I had to take a leak.
When I stood up I really thought I was going to face plant right into the floor, but I didn't. I put one foot down, then the other, and made it to the bathroom. After I washed my hands I came out and leaned on the wall. I didn't want to go back to bed. Had a feeling that I'd spent too much damn time in there already.
Didn't smell any coffee. I need that in the morning, you know? First thing. Maybe Sam was out getting coffee. Food run. Yeah, that was it. I didn't know for sure, but I was really gonna bitch at him for sure if he showed up empty handed.
The bones in my back cracked with every step I took. My body felt weak, sprung. No way I was going lie back down. I needed some air, needed to walk this off. I held onto the wall as I dragged my feet along.
The door to the back yard was already open. Sam was out there, and so was Castiel.
"I'm not doing a good job taking care of him, Cas. He thought I was going to leave him."
Didn't really hit me what Sam was saying until I shuffled past them.
I didn't need to open my eyes all the way to imagine that solemn look on Castiel's face. "I understand, Sam."
I had my eyes half closed and my head down. Even with all the trees overhead it was still too damn bright out there. I sat down on the stone bench so hard my ass hurt, but I didn't care. Walking that short distance wiped me out.
I waved a hand at Sam and Cas, mumbled something like "Dudes, coffee?"
Then it hit me. The looks on their faces were priceless. Sam stared at me with his mouth open. Cas had that deer in the headlights look. It's a classic.
As soon as the shock wore off Sam hugged me. I think he was afraid to at first. He acted like I was gonna break or something.
The first eight hours sucked. I mean big time.
First thing Cas did was disappear. I knew where he was going. He was going to ask Michael what was up. Seeing that Cas was on the outs with his family, especially since the Apocalypse was over, I didn't think that was such a smart move. He disappeared in the blink of an eye before I could stop him.
I didn't want to wait for coffee. Sam found half a fifth of whiskey in the kitchen.
I sat there at the kitchen table and read my…read the journal I wrote while Sam looked out the window. I couldn't look at him. I felt ashamed. Not for myself. Don't want anyone to think that. I didn't realize how hard it was for Sam. I sat there and all I could think about was how it would have been better for him to doubletap me in the head with his gun.
Cas came back an hour later. I was really surprised they let him live.
"I talked to Michael." He was smiling and for some reason that pissed me off. "Michael was merciful to you, Dean. You may not believe that, but he was."
Sam turned from the window. He had that blank look on his face, like he really didn't want to hear the answer, but he had to ask anyway. "Dean's going to make a full recovery from this?"
Castiel shrugged. "There will be some side effects, but, yes. I believe he will."
I stood up from the kitchen table, took a step forward, and my left foot dragged, slid sideways. Full recovery, huh?
I gripped the shot glass in my hand even tighter then. I didn't feel normal, this didn't feel right, I didn't want any mercy from that smug archangel sonofabitch.
"Merciful? Is that what you call this? I couldn't even take a piss by myself. Sam fed me. Sam bathed me." I snarled, snapped at the one angel who wasn't a dick.
A part of me knew this was wrong. Cas was trying to help. A part of me knew that.
The rest of me didn't give a damn. Cas blinked at me, but he held his ground.
"You really think I wanted my brother to have to go through that?"
"Shut the hell up, Sam. I know Michael doesn't give a damn about family. Hell, he killed his own brother, didn't he?"
"That was necessary," Cass said stiffly.
"What about you?"
"They are considering what to do with me."
I snorted. "Figures. You put yourself on the line for them and this is the damn thanks you get."
Castiel was pissed. I could see it in his eyes, and right now I didn't give a fuck. "I do not require any thanks from them."
"Really? No shit, huh? Well, aren't you special."
"Dean, come on," Sam says, "I took care of you. You would have done the same for me. I didn't mind ---"
"Didn't mind?" I smiled then, but it felt like I was baring my teeth. "Didn't mind being up to your armpits in my crap day in and day out?"
Should've kept my damn mouth shut. Sam saw the look on my face, and he read me like a book. "You thought I was gonna ditch you. What did you want out of this, Dean? Come on, tell me."
I backed up, stumbled against the table. I was caught. Sam had my number and we all knew it. The words came out of me and I didn't want to stop them. I couldn't. "I wanted to be wiped out, all right? Soon as Mike slipped into me, I didn't…didn't want to exist anymore. As long as you were safe I was fine with that."
My right arm felt jittery, and I knew what was going to happen next. My head felt funny, something buzzed between my ears. I raised my right arm and threw the shot glass at the kitchen cabinet behind Cas, and then I turned and limped out of the room.
So much for making a cool exit.
Sam and Castiel didn't even flinch.
I spent the rest of the afternoon and night out in the backyard. If this was my only night I had left, I didn't want to spend it cooped up inside four walls. I tried to convince Sam that we should go out for a night on the town, and he looked at me like I was crazy. That's when I knew trying to hide the way I feel from him didn't work.
My hands kept shaking. My muscles ached, all the way down to the friggin' bone.
Well, hell, I was fooling myself anyway. If this was the only night I've got, I've got no problem spending it with Sammy. Of course, I'd never let him know that.
Sam tells me that we're in what was left of San Diego. Some parts of the city are just scorched earth and craters. He found this house on the good side of town.
Huh. I finally got back to Cali and didn't even realize it.
Bobby's gone. I think I…I think I knew that already. He died back in South Dakota.
The Impala disappeared when Detroit did.
Castiel says I'm in the clear. It can't be that damn easy. Nothing for my family ever is. That bastard Michael told me he wasn't going to leave me a slobbering mental case. Well, a dick by any other name is still a dick. What's done is done, but if I ever see him again, archangel or no archangel, I'm going to kick his feathered ass.
Just before dusk Sam turned on the porch lights and brought out that pizza he put in the oven, and a six pack of beer. Hey, it's the Winchester version of all you can eat.
Something rustled in the bushes nearby. I looked over and a little grey rabbit stuck its head out. I tossed Bugs a few pieces of crust and he got happy in a hurry.
At least the damn witches didn't get him.
The stars came out hours later and I could barely keep my eyes open. I sat on the ground with my back to the stone bench. Sam got up and paced back and forth. He didn't want me to go to sleep, but what the hell else was I gonna do, huh?
I tried to sound all cool and calm about it. "Sammy, enough, okay? If it happens again, it happens, and that's it." I put my hands in my lap and tried to keep them from shaking.
Sam stared straight ahead.
"Dude, I want you to have a life." I nodded towards the tall privacy fence. "There's enough of the world left out there."
Sam's face slid right into bitchface mode. "So what are you saying, Dean?"
I was one second away from saying it all: I'm saying that I don't want to be a burden to you, sitting in that fucking wheelchair. I'm saying that you could doubletap…
I opened my mouth to say the words.
"Dean?" Sam growled.
"Shut the fuck up."
It's been a week now. Each time I go to sleep I don't know how I'm going to wake up. I haven't gone one flew over the cuckoo's nest yet. So far, so good.
That's my man, Jack Nicholson. Huh. Wonder if he survived the Apocalypse?
I teased Sam about doing a Will Sampson and bonking me on the head with a cabinet if things go south. He cussed me out.
Geez, dude, grow a sense of humor, will ya?
Weird thing is, I don't dream anymore. At least, I don't think I do. I can't remember what I dream about. I used to dream about pie, and some of the chicks I knew. Used to dream about driving the Impala all out on the highway, or hunts I've been on. Nude chicks playing volleyball, that kind of thing. There's none of that now. I miss my dreams.
Just another thing to kick Mike's ass for if I ever see him again.
Sam watches me like a hawk. I get tired easily, and sometimes my fingers don't want to straighten up. My muscles tremble and ache, and I know it's a hell of a lot more than me just being out of shape. Sometimes I stare at things and I can't remember what the word is. That usually lasts about five seconds.
Fuck. This might be my life from now on.
Worst thing about right now? It's the food. Sam goes to the Farmer's Market once a week. Now that I'm out of the wheelchair I go with him.
Man, the first time I went there, I thought of those Mad Max movies. Wall to wall people, and I gotta admit all the noise got on my nerves. I never had that problem before. Where ever Sam went, I followed. Turns out Castiel brought some gold coins from who knows where, and that's what Sam's been buying our food with.
Food's not the only thing they have there. I wanted to go look at some of the booths in the back and Sam dragged my ass out of there. Bitch.
We get chicken twice a week. Sam bakes it. I've begged him for fried chicken and he just ignores me. Red meat? Once every two weeks. Something about limited supplies because apparently Lucifer's demons and his Satanic buddies went in for cattle mutilation in a big big damn way.
One time Sam put this piece of meat on my plate that was half the size of a playing card. I couldn't believe my damn eyes. "Dude. You're kidding me, right?"
"We're lucky to get that, so shut up and eat."
So I did. And I bitched about it the whole time.
And did I mention salads? Dean Winchester does not eat salads.
Unless it's the only damn thing in the house.
The electricity goes off twice a week. We've pretty much gotten the routine down pat. If it's Tuesday, then the lights are gonna go out, so Sam and I break out the flashlights and the candles. It's a natural law.
Yeah, Sam insists I still write everything down in this freaking journal. He hovers around until he sees me write, and he reads it too. I mean, where's the trust? We've had our share of chick flick moments too. He wants to know how I feel, so I tell him just to get it over with and all the time Sam's staring at me like a hawk. Damn.
I want to jump over the privacy fence and go for a walk, but my body isn't cooperating and I know if I try something like that I'm just gonna land flat on my ass.
Cas drops in at least once a day. They both hover over me like a pair of overgrown mother hens. They're double-teaming me and I don't like that. I can still tell when Castiel is around, even though I can't see him. Still don't know how I can do that. Maybe it's an echo from Michael, but I don't mind this time.
I was out in the backyard and I felt my skin prickle, so I said out loud, "Hey, look, dude, I'm sorry, okay? I was being an ass and I know it."
Castiel blinked into view. "I fail to see what your posterior has to do with anything." He stared at me for a long moment, and then he smirked.
He was pretty damn proud of himself.
"Nobody likes a smartass angel, either." I said, and that smirk of his got a little wider.
Today's my one month anniversary. I'm still here. Stiff muscles and nervous twitches and all.
Guess this'll be the last thing I write in this book for a while.
Cas was forgiven, so he went home. That's what families do, I guess, between the slip-ups and all the high drama. Gonna miss Lieutenant Columbo. I used to call him that to his face and he never got the joke. Oh well.
Sam's a damn slave driver, no doubt about it. I'm doing fifty push-ups a day. Not my personal best, but it's good for a start. Tried one handed push-ups. Right arm's good, left's still a little weak. Sam and I sparred every day too. He kicked my ass the first few times.
We're about even now.
Couple of weeks ago we took some beer bottles and a few of the guns and went target shooting. I got five out of nine the first time.
Last time out I nailed every last one of the sonsabitches.
I don't remember much after I said yes. Maybe that's for the best, huh? I mean, I knew being an angel condom was going to suck big time. Those craptastic memories I could well do without. All I can deal with is the here and now.
We can't stay cooped up in this house. I don't want that, and neither does Sam.
We got two duffels between the two of us. Credit cards are no good now, but that's never stopped us before. I'm standing here in the kitchen writing as fast as I can.
Cas was here this morning. I didn't see him, and neither did Sam.
He left two bags of gold coins on the kitchen table.
Well, we're gonna shag ass now. I still know a trick or too.
Sam and me don't know everything, but we know just enough to make us dangerous.
Time to get out in the world and see what's out there.
POV: Dean Winchester
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural. This is for entertainment only, not for profit.