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A Tale Of Two Mary Sues by Come2Me

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“Y know, if I’m a character in a book series, know what that makes you?” Dean asked the girl lying next to him.

 

 

“What?”

 

 

“A Mary Sue.”

 

 

“Which means…?”

 

 

“Selfless, flawless, inhumanly so. One dimensional, completely obsessed with me, successful, never a hair out of place, rescued by me every other day. The other days you rescue me and we bond. Sooner or later we’ve got babies and rings and sweet shit to whisper in each other’s ears.”

 

 

“Sounds good to me.”

 

 

“Sooner or later one of us dies tragically. The other one mourns and raises the baby like a bad Disney movie, complete with fangirls going Aww and repugnant monologues to gravestones.”

 

 

“Repugnant, huh? Big word.”

 

 

“Learned it from Sammy. You become part of the family, tease Sammy and me like a sister. No fights ever, except about loving too much or being too overprotective. The story cuts out before we turn forty and comes back with the kid, age sixteen and dating. The whole damn cycle starts again.”

 

 

“Sounds awful.”

 

 

“On the other hand,” Dean went on, “You’re really hot and I’ve been looking forward to this all night.”

 

 

“Can’t let the little guy down.”

 

 

“Absolutely.”

 

 

“So we just get to it?”

 

 

“Hold up,” Dean said. “Couple o’ground rules.”

 

 

“I can’t wait,” she smirked. Dean frowned.

 

 

“Sarcastic Mary Sue? You’re breakin’ all the rules today.”

 

 

“What can I say? I’m a unique creature, unlike any other.”

 

 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Shut up, that wasn’t even me.”

 

 

“Okay, go.”

 

 

“First off, if I bite it before you, no running off and hooking up with Sam. We are not a buy one, get one free package.”

 

 

“Morbid.”

 

 

“You’re the lamest Mary Sue ever. You should be all over me murmuring about how Im not gonna die first.”

 

 

“You want me to die first?”

 

 

“No way.”

 

 

“Didn’t think so.”

 

 

“Okay, no sex tapes. Those are only hot if they’re strangers.”

 

 

“Full of compliments today.”

 

 

“Fuck you, y’know what I mean.”

 

 

“Yeah, yeah.”

 

 

“Y wanna bring another chick into this, that’s awesome. But no extra dudes.”

 

 

“Jealous bastard. You better be good at this.”

 

 

“Im very good at this.”

 

 

“Just very good, huh?”

 

 

“Super good. Awesome. The best.”

 

 

“All talk, no action, book character.”

 

 

Curtains close. They reopen. God knows how much time has passed, but Mary Sue’s hair is a fuzzy halo around her face. A gorgeous, Mary-Sueesque halo, of course. Dean looks exactly the same as before.

 

 

“Selfless, flawless, inhumanly so.” Mary says.

 

 

“Yeah?”

 

 

 

“One dimensional, completely obsessed with me, successful, never a hair out of place, rescued by me every other day. The other days you rescue me and we bond. Sooner or later we’ve got babies and rings and sweet shit to whisper in each other’s ears.”

 

 

“Your point?”

 

 

“Sooner or later one of us dies tragically. The other one mourns and raises the baby like a bad Disney movie, complete with fangirls going Aww and repugnant monologues to gravestones.”

 

 

 

“Become part of the family, tease me like a sister. No fights ever, except about loving too much or being too overprotective. The story cuts out before we turn forty and comes back with the kid, age sixteen and dating. The whole damn cycle starts again.”

 

 

“Uh-huh…”

 

 

“Sounds familiar?”

 

 

“Yeah, I said it to you.”

 

 

“You’re a Mary Sue, Dean.”

 

 

“What? No.” Dean shakes his head, shuddering. “No. No way.”

 

 

“Mary Sue, Mary Sue, Mary Sue!” Mary Sue laughs.

 

 

Dean stands up. Sits down. Rubs his forehead. Groans.

 

 

“Im a friggin’ Mary Sue.”

 

 

“Yup.”

 

 

Silence, then Dean growls, “Im gonna kill Chuck.”

 

 

“Shut up and kiss me.”

 

 

“Really? That’s the best cliché you can think of?”

 

 

“You got something better, Mary Sue?”

 

 

“Uh…” Dean thinks. “Nope. That was the worst cliché ever.”

 

 

“Ooh, I got another one. How about, ‘if this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right?’ ”

 

 

“You’re my soul mate.”

 

 

“True love waits?”

 

 

“For what? I love you.”

 

 

“What can I say? I’m a unique creature, unlike any other.”

 

 

 

“I wanna have your baby- no your babies. Possibly your grandchildren if that doesn’t work out and your offspring is hot.”

 

 

“Never heard it that way before.”

 

 

“Unique creature unlike any other,” she reminds him.

 

 

“Me and my alter-egos say the darndest things.”

 

 

“That they do.”

 

 

Dean stops. Holds his head.

 

 

“That Chuck is one screwed up sonofabitch.”

 

 

“Now you’re just projecting,” Mary- Sue says in a too-deep voice.

 

 

“Hey Chuck? Maybe bother to keep your characters, I don’t know,  in character?” Dean yells at the ceiling.

 

 

“Shut up and kiss me.”

 

 

“Already used that one.”

 

 

“So what? We’re clichés. Repeated lines just make it more cliché-ie-er.”

 

 

“Okay whatever.”

 

 

“Chucks… getting… tired,” she says. “Words’re… coming… slower.”

 

 

“Damnit.”

 

 

“Any… last… words?”

 

 

“Absolutely! I hope you go to Hell, Chuck!”

 

 

Thanks a lot, Dean. Next time she’ll be a bitch and you’ll cry. Nect time I'll give you a rash. I'll give you AIDS! That’ll show you.

 

 

The end, Chuck typed, and hoped nothing this bullshitty would ever force itself down on paper after.

 

 

He took a gulp of beer and fell asleep with Cheetoh crumbs in his hair.

 

 

THE END.

 

 

 

 

Chapter end notes:
Just a little thing that showed up in my head. Please tell me what you think. Thanks!





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